If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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