You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
