Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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