I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
