I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
