He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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