remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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