20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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