there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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