I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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