Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
