Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I AM VODKA MAN
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
