she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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