I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
