Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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