Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.