mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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