He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
