I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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