Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
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note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
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All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.