just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.