I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday