You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.