and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
