Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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