I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
