so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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