drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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