so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
