mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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