This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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