At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
