Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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