I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
