Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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