i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
