I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
