guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
