DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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