I hate your face
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
