my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize