I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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