i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
