He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
