question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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