remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
