It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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