I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
