I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Are my feet made of real feet?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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