Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
