Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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