my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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