if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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