This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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