Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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