I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
