***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize