he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
