We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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