It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
