So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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