i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
