I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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