You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize